Charlton Heston's Ass

Charlton Heston who died last week at age 83 was a terrific actor. He won two Oscars, one for his title role in Ben Hur and one for his humanitarian work. In his cameo as the Player King in 1996's Hamlet he practically stole the film away from director & star Kenneth Branagh. Personally, I was always grateful for an interview Heston gave in 1985 following the death of his friend and colleague, Orson Welles. All of the accolades were pouring in for Welles the day after he died and naturally they turned to Heston for some thoughts on his legendary friend and costar. Heston, who never minced words pointed out how hypocritical certain modern-day director/producers were to be saying such wonderful things about Welles and his influence on them, when in truth they wouldn't go near the legendary director when he came looking for help. And Heston named names too! I won't be as brave as he. But it gave me a newfound respect for a man whose politics had started to turn me off. But mostly when I think of Charlton Heston I think of his sci-fi films of the 1970s. When I first saw Planet of the Apes (1968) as a boy, I was captivated by the film and became an instant fan of the sequels and TV series. One scene in the film has Heston, as stranded astronaut Taylor hauled into a court of apes and stripped naked before them. The close-up of Heston's derriere in cinemascope was just the sort of thing that made a young kid giggle uncontrollably. I soon forgot about it, but then a few years later while watching Heston in another sci-fi film, Soylent Green (1973), it happened again. This time it was through a glass shower door as Heston was nude with his young female costar. Okay, it wasn't as funny this time around, I was older of course and it was probably just a product of the times. This was the 1970s after all and films were getting edgier. Some years later I was watching Heston in a film on cable TV late at night called The Mountain Men. Heston made the film in 1980 when he was 56. There was a scene outside a tent where once again Heston's naked backside was focused upon. Now a teen it had finally dawned on me that this must be something intentional on the part of Heston. He's always been a physical actor and has showed off his chiseled features in many films throughout his career. I don't think it ever really interfered with his performances. Being an attractive man it certainly didn't hurt his appeal with female fans. For me I never really thought of it again until 1997, when I was in a packed movie theater watching The Devil's Advocate, starring Keanu Reeves. In one scene, Reeves and a female costar begin to make love on a hard wood floor. As they slowly undress, the camera pans down to reveal a huge panavision close-up of Keanu Reeves' ass. The audience shrieked in disgust. Even the women did. It was not flattering. All the memories of Heston's rump in so many films started to flood my memory. And it was then that I finally reached a shocking conclusion. Charlton Heston, even in his fifties had a better ass than Keanu Reeves!

Charlton Heston Movies

The Crucifixion of Barack Obama

With the public crucifixion of Barack Obama this weekend on cable TV and talk radio, I couldn’t help but think of my favorite movie ever made about the Christ. Let me say at the beginning that I am in no way comparing Senator Obama to Jesus Christ. But with all the false outrage filling the airwaves and online concerning the overblown reaction to the comments by Obama’s pastor, I just can’t help but see a disturbing trend and comparison.
Made in 1979 and directed by Franco Zeffirelli, Jesus of Nazareth was an all-star mini-series offering a reverent depiction of the Christ story using stories from the Gospel. With a lush score by Maurice Jarre, and featuring a hypnotic performance by British actor, Robert Powell in the title role, Jesus of Nazareth was one of the best films to tell the Christ story. But what made me think about the film in reference to Barack Obama, was the film’s focus on the political and religious hierarchy, as well as the social and economic state of the Jewish and Roman citizens of the time. The depiction of outrage spurred on by religious zealots on both sides in bringing down this upstart who dared to preach about what was only prophecy in the minds of many and dangerous political rhetoric to others has a familiar ring this weekend. And I don’t mean because it’s Easter.
Obama’s speech on Tuesday was one for the record books. Does anyone remember George W. Bush or Bill Clinton ever being so honest and forthright in a major address before? I certainly don’t. While watching and then reading the speech again online, I couldn’t help but think about some of the scenes in Zeffirelli’s film. The ones depicting Christ’s dealings with doubters and hypocrites and the honesty in which he was depicted in doing so. And then following the speech came the expected reaction by professional media pundits whose cynicism and denial of any inspiration gained from the address seemed all-too planned-in-advance. But what truly amazed me was the increase in vitriol for the Senator by those in the media who are determined to not only destroy this upstart who dares us to talk about such taboo topics as race but who also threatens an establishment who would rather lead out of fear than with intelligence. Many of the scenes of Christ appearing before the Sanhedrin or Pontius Pilate in the film could be played along side cable news or talk radio clips dealing with the Obama speech and one would think you were watching the same movie.
I believe that Senator Obama has the possibility of being a rare gem in a chorus of duds who make up our politics today. He is a flawed man just like the rest of us. But his calm, cool, thoughtful way of dealing with the issues ahead of this country as well as his unique understanding of what divides and joins us together as a people is as inspiring to me as that British actor portraying Christ on TV almost 30 years ago.

10,000 Bad Choices!

With "10,000 B.C.”, director/screenwriter Roland Emmerich borrows a little something from every movie he’s made thus far along with every myth and factual fancy from early human history to create a new mythical story of early man’s adventures here on earth. And despite the CGI eye-candy of “Lord of the Rings”-type vistas, oversized woolly mammoth’s, prehistoric birds and saber tooth tiger’s along for the ride, “10,000 B.C. suffers from 10,000 bad choices!
Emmerich relies heavily on his prior work in 1994’s “Stargate”, but minus a teleportation device to excuse historical inaccuracies like prehistoric cavemen with boats and forged metals of all kind, “10,000 B.C.” asks far too much of it’s audience in forgoing any sense of basic logic.
I knew I was in trouble when certain tribes speak perfect English in the film, while others speak in foreign dialects accompanied by subtitles. One unintentional laugh comes when one English speaking tribesman questions how one of the foreign tribes has learned to speak the same language as he.
Co-written by composer-turned-screenwriter, Harold Kloser, what fails most in “10,000 B.C.” is a lack of interesting characters to keep us caring between the magnificent set pieces and choreographed action sequences that have become a staple in films like these. Positively wooden portrayals are delivered here by leads who despite their dread-locked hair and animal skin clothing still manage to have the prettiest teeth and hairless bodies found anywhere in prehistoric times. When a character dies in an adventure film these days and I feel absolutely nothing I blame the writer not the actor.
The basic premise in this film of a stronger tribe kidnapping and enslaving the weaker is as old as the film’s title suggests. And wrapping it in a unlikely modern-type love story does nothing to make us care for what is happening on screen. I really was hoping Raquel Welch would show up magically reviving her character “Loana” from 1966’s “One Million Years B.C.” just to spice things up a bit!
The juxtaposition of different historical timelines and topographical regions causes some head scratching along the way as well, and it would be forgivable given this was an actual episode of “Lord of the Rings”, but it’s not and it’s painfully obvious. The producers are not saying this film is history but by calling it “10,000 B.C.”, they have opened themselves up to some deserved ridicule. Where on earth and at what point in time has any of the many different tribes, civilizations and geographically-opposed peoples ever managed to live so closely together? With very little passage of time to account for, characters in this film cross so many different landscapes that one would think you could go from a sandy desert to a snow-filled mountaintop in a matter of minutes. When the pyramids of Egypt suddenly show up on screen I knew the film had lost me.
Director Emmerich has a knack for remaking and reusing material and ideas already done before. Despite the obvious nods to “Stargate” and “Lord of the Rings” found here, many ideas from other films are rehashed throughout. Not too surprising considering director Emmerich is the one who gave us 1998’s dreadful remake of “Godzilla”, along with disaster retread “The Day after Tomorrow” in 2004. So, what’s next for the budding director you may ask? Emmerich is hard at work on none other then a remake of “Fantastic Voyage”, another sci-fi flick from 1966 which it just so happens also starred Raquel Welch. One can only hope a cameo by the former screen goddess will be included to liven up that newest version of an old idea.